i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
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