They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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