I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
