My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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