I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
