I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
