You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
