when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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