Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
