Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
So much Jack, so little girl.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
