see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
