I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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