I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
