yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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