i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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