Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
