I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
my being single is dangerous.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
