Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
