how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
