Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
