If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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