Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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