Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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