So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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