A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
