I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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