im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
