Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Randomize