his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
