The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
