i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
