the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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