I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
