Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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