I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
