She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
