there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
