we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
