chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
