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My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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