No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
If I die, sorry about rent.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
