He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
