I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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