i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
people are starting to question the shark bite story
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
