the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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