So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
