I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
