well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
