The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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