an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
