I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I currently don't understand fingers.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
