Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
