my room smells like sperm. sweet.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
