She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
