Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
