i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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