Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Help. Why am I so naked?
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