so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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