No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
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