I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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