blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
