its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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