there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
