i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
