just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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